Riverside Chapel Seventh-day Adventist

Are You Ready for Marriage?...Continued from page 1
A.J. Kiesling
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
Divorced: Getting Over the Blame Game

For those who have lived through a divorce, Whedbee’s advice takes a different—and perhaps more painful—tack: one of asking ourselves the big question, “What went wrong?” Once we’ve honestly asked ourselves that question, we must be willing to take ownership for our part in the failed marriage. “Even if you think it was all his fault, or all her fault, it still takes two to get married and it takes two to make a divorce,” says Whedbee. “It could be that you picked a wrong guy or it could be that you choose cheaters. You need to figure out what caused the disconnect, what happened there. Then you need time to heal.”

She recommends talking with a good Christian counselor who can help you untangle your knotted romantic past, point out destructive patterns in your life that you need to eradicate, and teach you coping skills. “I always tell people they need to develop that muscle, figure out what went wrong the first time, and fix that before you start looking for somebody else.”

Most often it’s wise to wait and be single for a while before leaping back into the dating fray. The passage of a year or two will give you time to work through the issues cited above, and you’ll be in a better position to look for love again. Go easy at first, and get to know other singles as friends before leaping into love. Even if someone sweeps you off your feet, a good friendship foundation will put solid footing under your relationship.

For those divorced men and women who are also parents, Whedbee cautions against dragging your kids into the picture too soon: “Once you feel ready to start looking around, you have to be really careful involving the people you date in your kids’ lives. Kids are a lot more aware than their parents think they are. Be open with them so you’re not sneaking around or lying to them. Until you’re really comfortable with a guy or girl and think they have potential, don’t introduce them to your kids. That’s the hardest part about dating again after you’ve been married.”

Preach It!

What can we do as Christians to promote marriage in an anti-marriage society? No. 1, we have to be preaching it, says Whedbee. We need to talk about why the Bible says to leave your father and mother and cleave to your mate, why the Bible calls marriage sacred and a union between one man and one woman. “Whenever my husband and I had issues we had to solve them ourselves,” she says. “That’s the only way to cleave. The problem is that many people never really leave [their parents], and so how then can they cleave?”

We cannot shy away from the difficult topics—adultery, premarital sex, living together out of wedlock—just because our society says these are part of the new “norm.” People are hungry for something different because what our society has offered them doesn’t work. “They’re hungry, so preach it,” says Whedbee. “Talk about it with other singles.”

If you’re in a position of leadership within a singles ministry, make sure it’s a place where men and women both can feel comfortable—not a meat market. Girls shouldn’t feel like they’re being ogled or that guys are hitting on them the first time they walk through the door. Help people to be who God called them to be.

Finally, bring the fun back to church. “Today people would rather go to a bar to seek excitement than go to church,” says Whedbee. “The fun place to be should be your church. Sponsor creative social functions like road trips and citywide dances. I’ve seen it work, with a lot of [single] friends getting together from it. If that’s your focus—to get together as friends and just have fun—then if something happens it’s icing on the cake.”

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